Tails from Two Cities

On traditional dating websites like match.com the livestock announce their bill of particulars--a "soulmate" and the "true love" that fuses with a "lifetime bond" based on "mutual respect" for this "unwavering damsel."  It's Nathaniel West before he ventured out to L.A., four-cornered in the lonely Manhattan hovel of Miss Lonelyhearts, the fossilized desperation of the defined seeker.  These sites give me the spooks--simultaneously sonorous and weird; the men are no great shakes of course but take the women and (most especially) the 40-something women and brace yourself for a kind of kill pen auction; one way or another they'll be carted away by the Amish bidders that have never heard of PETA, that don't know how to treat an animal.  You just know it so you hide your eyes but even then a kind of dyspepsia arises--the screen starts to look more vertical than horizontal and the women literally all look the same.  Another high angle photo (gotta hide those extra lbs), another 14 sentence screed on the eternal female virtues delivered with an earnestness approaching Mach5.  And for dessert, any amusing, offbeat or erogenous moment will not (I repeat not) arise from a chewable reference to sexuality or  raw passion but from their collective fascination with Bill Maher and Jon Stewart, the "crush" they have on Stephen Colbert.  The smugly assured, "clever" comic is their man-hero because he appears to upbraid society (while profiting immensely from the very same), he holds sway on behalf of the downtrodden, he stands for women's rights (from the steps of the Playboy Mansion).  The faux revolutionary with a hand-picked audience is their boy, it's how they get liquid before you come in and try to prove yourself.  Plus he wears a suit.

Contrast that to other sites, like ones where cheatin' women hang.  Ashleymadison.com is an example.  You'll see very different animal indeed--no livestock here but rather a cougar of some sort, a felicitous, untamed feline filled with playful sexuality and pent-up desire.  There's no Maher/Colbert groupthink fetishism and thus ROOM for a guys like you and me.  We can sink our teeth into many of these (at both ends) and it's a kind of sanity restored.  We're in Emma Bovary's world now (in the sense of being sensually bored) or we're chilling with Atlas Shrugged (in the sense of individualized urges being lifted out of the box so they can veer off in all directions--even away from a lifetime of monogamy).  SHE has a man, SHE has her security.  So what does she desire now?  Why to branch out, of course.

Ergo, when you place your designs on a woman, dear reader, do understand the priority of needs--which comes first and which (alas) rides the caboose.  And yes, you can wonder about how these two ever shake hands; how "irony" somehow manages to be far beyond the grasp of many women.  Of course, it does help to know the old saw.  A preacher stands at the pulpit one Sunday:  "Oh good, God-fearing people, do you know of which virtue I shall preach today?"  "No, Reverend," comes the reply.  "Outrage," he thunders, "I will not deign to bother with such an ignorant, lazy bunch of non-believers!"  Next week, he asks again if they know.  "Yes, Reverend," they say recalling the disaster of the previous Sunday.  "Splendid," he replies, "then let those who do know tell those who don't."

For more information on how the Guerilla approaches life and love go to www.guerillalover.com.